nanowrimo day 12 (belated)

[xax]

oof

okay so i'm around 7.5k/9k words behind, which isn't great but is definitely still surmountable, especially since we're still in the first half. turns out a few days of doing basically no writing adds up.

anyway today (the 13th) i'm gonna be trying to do some writing all through the day to actually get a decent chunk set aside. there's this temptation like "i mean technically i can write 7k in one day, so i don't really need to focus on keeping a steady pace since i can just do it all in one day", but of course that's not a practical way to approach things.

anyway here's some stuff i wrote yesterday. this excerpt contains spoilers. or like, design spoilers?

context: during character creation, you pick your various starting mutations and it explains how, historically, you got them. this changes how some scenes happen, not just because of specific body attributes you have or don't have, but because of how you got them and what that means about your past.

if you start with a dog dick, that means historically before the game started brulvundojn was like 'hey you wanna fuck around a lot' and you were like 'yeah' and then you did to the point of getting mutated just off the amount of cum he drenched you in. but if you don't start with a dog dick, that doesn't mean like "oh you never interacted much with brulvundojn historically"; it means when brulvundojn was like 'hey you want to fuck around a lot', you rejected him, and in a mean way too.

so now i'm putting together the scenes for what that means.

You say, maybe premeditated or maybe off the cuff, that you're here to apologize.

Brulvundojn stares down at you, head tilted to show two gleaming eyes.

You continue: you say, you've been thinking about things went down. And you know you weren't very... sensitive about it. You don't wanna say you were a //kid// back then, but you were pretty immature.

You were fully human and the thought of fucking around with anybody that wasn't human was exhilarating but also scary. You'd seen ĝhiest, of course, and you'd seen humans who'd picked up mutations, one way or another, and you'd thought about that -- maybe it being hot, maybe not, but always it being some big, life-altering change. A fundamental shift of who and what you were. And...

You look at Brulvundojn. You say, when you thought about doing that with him, fucking him and maybe catching a dog dick or a dog head or fur or who-knows-what, that was... it was intense. You really liked him. Or, you know he knows that already; he knows you used to jerk off thinking about him. That was kind of what sparked the entire thing. But, you say, the thought of that kind of intimacy, of literally reshaping your body so that it'd always show having been with him, that seemed... just too much to think about ever actually happening, instead of being safe in some fantasy that you never seriously considered making real. You were scared, and you rejected him on reflex. And you regretted it, in bits and pieces, ever since.

Brulvundojn says, "that sounds like you're justifying it."

You shrug and say maybe, a little. But that's where you were coming from. You knew he was sensitive about... being desired, being desirable, and opening himself up in that way, and you went and did it anyway. You say that that wasn't fair to him, and there's not really any justification for that. Just you were scared, and that's why you did it. That's what the apology is for; everything else is just asides.

[(this would need extra branches/narration for if you do this after the beginning of the game, and you have some tf that's not buff/leaky/dick/balls/asshole)]

You say, even when you were doing it, your motives weren't clear to yourself. You weren't really that conscious of what you were doing. <<if $from['leaky'] == "cc" || $from['asshole'] == "cc">>\
It wasn't until you went and lived in Skull Wing territory for a while, that you had to think about it again, and really consider what it would be like, being human, and what it would mean to give that up. If you actually cared about it at all, really. And when {you asked a brood prince for his eggs}{, and later, when}{ you started fucking around with the ghiest mechanics at one of their resupply points}, you knew what you were doing, and what you were asking and giving with that. And it made you think about how you didn't want to have ruined things between us.
<<else if $from['dick'] == "cc" || $from['balls'] == "cc">>\
It wasn't until your {dick}{and}{balls} started molting, growing, expanding, that you thought about it again. That maybe you had invested all of this meaning in what it meant to be 'fully human', or be altered. That most of the humans in Yapu are kind of terrified of him, and you were thinking about that, not that it's any excuse. It took a while for you to realize that you'd overreacted, that you'd formed this big dumb self-image of your humanity as something huge that defined your entire life, instead of something incidental that you happened to have and that you may or may not actually want.
<<else if hasMutation ("pure")>>\
You say, you used to have some kind of... complex about it, of being 'fully human', pure and untouched. Like it made you special. And you freaked out because you thought us fucking would... take that away from you.

You laugh, a little self-conscious. You say, you didn't have the best self-image back then. You were kind of grasping for whatever external traits you could, in order to justify yourself as special and important, because otherwise you thought you didn't have any value as a person. You're, thankfully, over that now, but it definitely took a few years for all of that to percolate out as something you were consciously aware of.
<<endif>>

So, you say. You're sorry for all of that.

Brulvundojn stares down at you for a long moment.

or like, i've noticed most games that have "relationships" are basically working in the mode of infatuation: "i like this character and i want them to like me back", generally with ways to make them like you back (gifts, picking the right dialog options, etc). dating sims are nearly exclusively in that mode, of the anxiety before you really know how you stand with a person, if you're compatible or not.

but like an actual relationship with another person very rapidly stops being about "hey they're cute and nice and maybe we like each other", and starts being about prolonged interpersonal interaction, about building a history together and learning each other's moons, and about how being intimate with someone is fundamentally about being vulnerable, and one where people can unthinkingly be pretty horrible to each other on accident. "if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known", as the new york times article about goat emails says.

so you know that's what i wanted to touch on for my goofy porn game :V